Still Depressed/Angry

Well seems I can't get over all that has happened in the past month. It seems the closer I get to my 37th birthday the more I feel depressed and angry over the loss of Ken. I can't explain what it is, but that I am so sad and angry. Then on top of it all, today I was going through my video tapes and the first time I went to Lake Gaston to Ken and Erich's house was on there. I saw this video and it just made me feel so empty and alone.

Erich, Ken and I are/were all born in the same year, 1971 and this was our 37th birthday for all 3 of us. I feel Ken cheated me out of the wonder time together. We had made plans to be able to spend this birthday of mine together since they were moving to FL, little did I know that Ken would cheat us of all the happiness we were to share. I mean we were so close to one another in many ways, even if at times I felt Ken didn't care for me, I knew deep down that he did, cause he would let it show at the time when I needed him the most.

For some reason today I felt this very strong need to go to the lake house of their's where Ken took his life. I took Johnathn with me as the last time we were there was the night Ken took his life. Which was Sept. 13th on his 37th birthday. Well when we got there, I was amazed at how the plants around there had taken off and filled out so good. I could tell Ken was still around taking care of the place. While there, we walked down to the boat dock to cover the boat and raise it and the jet skies up enough so that they wouldn't be damaged. Then walked back up to the house and just looked around at all the plants and Ken's roses and how filled out they looked. I told Ken that they were well taken care of and could tell he was still looking over them. Then as we were getting ready to leave, for some reason I checked all the doors again, and this time the side door to the house came open like someone was opening it for me to come in. I lost it and couldn't take it, The lock was so hard to get to locked again and I just felt Ken's anger in full force. I felt my chest and throat tighten and felt his rage so strong. I know that something has to be done to get Ken to make peace and to leave that house. How do I know this, cause I know in my heart that what I felt inside of me was real, no matter what others think, or might think I am crazy to say this, but I believe fully in crossing over and the peace they must feel to cross over. How do I try to explain it so you wont think I have went over the deep end, I don't know how too, but trust me, just because this sounds crazy to you, I really am sane and have always been able to tell of deaths in my family and strange things that have happened. I knew of my own mother passing, my aunt, my grandmother, my uncle. I have always knew these things and other things that have happened before anyone else in my family. They always were so shocked to hear me say these things to them, as they were not around me when they found out and they asked how did you know. I just did. So Ken, I know you have tapped into me and telling me something. Know I love you and miss you.